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It’s all about Bubba

Hershel Butts • Jan 19, 2016 at 5:00 PM

It seems that almost all conversation, here of late, has included the lottery, and what people would do with that much money. I was attending a meeting of the Gladeville Procrastinators Club (GPC) and several different ideas on the subject surfaced. One of the more informed members brought up the fact that the winner would need a financial planner. He surmised that it would have to be someone who was educated in dealing with that much money on a regular basis.

Bubba raise his hand, and was given the floor. Bubba said that first of all, if he hit the $1.5 billion lottery, he would carry his lovely wife, Blossom, down to Walmart and let her pick out all of the fine clothes she wanted. He said he wouldn’t even care if they were on sale or not. Bubba said then he would call up his friend who has a roofing business that he runs out of the back of his pickup truck, and tell him to put a new roof on his trailer.

He said that his good wife, Blossom, always runs out of pots and pans to put under those leaks, every time it rains. Since the price would not be an issue, he wasn’t even going to ask his friend to give him an estimate. Nothing is too good for Blossom.

He said he would then put a used drivers side door on his old pickup truck. He had that accident last week that involved his mail box. He couldn’t reach the box through the window, so he drove just a little past it and opened the door on his truck. He couldn’t quite reach the mail in the box from this position, so he put the truck in reverse and eased out on the clutch. Bubba went on the explain that his old truck has a very “touchy” clutch. He said when he “smashed” down on the gas pedal, it lurched backwards. It jammed the door into the front fender, making a wrinkle in it. It wouldn’t have been quite so bad if he hadn’t just put that 6-inch well pipe about three feet in the ground, and filled it with concrete, to mount the mail box on. He did this last summer after the neighborhood young people were going around hitting mail boxes with ball bats. Bubba said he might just use some of the winnings to put a spring on the bottom of that mail box post, so it will have a little give to it, when it is hit by something.

Bubba had a doctors’ appointment last week. Blossom went in with him to interpret for him just in case the doctor started using those big words. The nurse stuck her head in the room, sat a little cup on the corner of the counter, and asked Bubba if he could pee in the cup for her. Bubba said, “From way over here?” After she got that explained, the doctor came in and said, “I will need a stool sample and a urine specimen.” Bubba immediately whispered to Blossom and asked, “What does he mean?” She whispered back and said, “He wants you to leave your underwear here.”

Needless to say, Bubba is the pride and joy of The Glade. What would we do without him?

Words of Wisdom from Uncle Hershel: Don’t teach your children how to gain material possessions. Teach them how to be happy.

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