There’s a look of panic on the weatherman’s face. It’s as if he were announcing that car-sized balls of flaming magnesium mixed with nuclear waste were going to be falling out of the sky tomorrow. Snow! All plant and animal life will to cease to exist. And traffic will be a nightmare! Oh, the humanity!
“Snow! Sure, it’s winter in North America, but who could have predicted a disaster like this? Snow! One to two inches expected! More in higher elevations! Some drifting may occur! Run for your lives!!”
Biff the weatherman is shaking. He forgot to kiss his wife and kids goodbye this morning, and now this -- two inches of snow expected! Will they ever see each other again?
Where Biff leaves off, the reporters begin.
“Snow! What could be worse, Biff? A giant asteroid slamming into Earth at 17,000 miles a minute? Another Kardashian wedding? A Facebook outage? Another presidential tweet? Why weren’t we warned about this months ago? Who’s to blame? The mayor? The governor? NASA? Stay tuned. Bob and Michelle will be interviewing the chief meteorologist of the National Weather Service to get the details on this totally unexpected disaster.
“Snow! Guard your children! Fill a tub with fresh water! Run to a nearby grocery store and buy every single thing you can. Strip the shelves clean my friends, because you never know when you’ll be able to leave the house again. It may be hours, but then again, it may be SEVERAL hours. Be prepared.
“Snow experts are advising people to stand away from their windows and shut the curtains. Watch the snow on TV and avoid the risk of snow blindness. We’ll be running a special report on snow blindness tonight, right after ‘Celebrity Wart Removals.’
“And what about the possibilities of avalanches? Dr. Maxwell D. Pushface of the National Center of Avalanche Awareness assures us that they rarely happen in flat parts of the country like ours, but that doesn’t mean we’re in the clear. There’s a first time for everything.
“One tragic death has already been attributed to the coming snowstorm. Maude Fitzwilly, 114 years old, was found dead in her living room on Elm Street earlier today, sitting in front of a television. Emergency service workers at the scene said Snow Panic Syndrome may have contributed to her untimely demise. Bob and Michelle will be discussing Snow Panic Syndrome, or SPS as it is known, with Dr. Carter T. Cuffman later in the show.
“And in a second snow-related incident, Byron Zmults of Herndersonville plowed his ‘83 Dodge into a bridge abutment on Alabaster Road. Police say he was on his way to buy a few more cases of beer and some more marijuana so he wouldn’t have to leave his house during the coming storm. His blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit, but Zmults said he never would have been driving on a suspended license if it hadn’t been a snow-related emergency.
“Later tonight, right after ‘When Cousins Marry,’ we’ll be talking to Dr. D. Byron Latchkey, who says there are things called ‘coats’ and ‘hats’ that can actually be worn outside during a snowstorm. With all we know about snow nowadays, it’s hard to believe, but he says that in the olden days, people used to go out in the snow and play in it and enjoy it.
“But that was back in the simple days before modern newscasting. We didn’t know then what we know today about killer snow. Did you know, for example, that no two flakes are alike? If that doesn’t say ‘danger,’ I don’t know what does. Actually, the government is now spending billions on a program to clone snowflakes, so for the first time in history, we can have more than one identical snowflakes. Someday, this may lead to ‘stackable snow,’ but right now, that’s just a gleam in some scientist’s eye.
“Stay tuned to our non-stop coverage of ‘The Killer Storm of the Millennium,’ and you may be one of the lucky few to make it out alive.”
Contact Jim Mullen at [email protected]