Wrappers versus baggers

“It’s a disaster,” is what my middle child always says about what lies below our Christmas tree.

On the other hand, every present under her tree is wrapped perfectly, with bows and tags and positioned just so, for her Instagram story.

I learned a long time ago that there are two types of people in this world — the wrappers versus the baggers.

Wrappers are oftentimes sociopaths. They like everything perfectly so. It’s Christmas ... so we must only use Christmas-themed paper and wrap even the tiniest of boxes, and after that, we must find a perfectly-suited bow and put it on there too. Then, let’s not forget the holiday-themed tag, and for good measure, let’s write the name in red and draw a wreath around their name.

And they do this — over and over and over — for hours. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that serial killers are wrappers.

Baggers, on the other hand, find a bag, dump the present in, throw tissue paper over it … and we are done. If it’s a new bag, then, we write the name on the unused tag. If it’s an old bag, we rip the used tag off, and write the new name on the side of the bag in whatever color sharpie we can find.

And if you are a super bagger, like myself, then you don’t just use Christmas bags. You use whatever bag you can find. There are three-year-old Christmas bags I’ve used over and over. There are bags I’ve repurposed from birthdays, housewarmings and wedding showers, and for good measure, there are bags from the store that the present came in.

“It’s like you don’t even try,” my middle child bemoans, as she looks under the tree.

And listen, I’d totally get it. If the presents that the sociopaths wrapped stayed wrapped throughout the year, for all to ooh and aah over, maybe I’d try harder. But the fact is, their vintage Santa wrapping paper and my pink and yellow reused Easter bags end up in the same garbage pile on Christmas morning.

Although I’ve explained this to her and she has witnessed, first-hand, her work being torn to shreds in minutes on Christmas morning, she firmly believes I’ve failed as a parent, because many of her gifts have her sister’s name crossed out on the bag and her’s written off to the side.

And maybe I have.

Well, I know I have ... because as I write this article this morning, on Dec. 18, I realize that I haven’t gotten most of the gifts on my children’s Christmas lists, and there is no way I’m battling the crowds at this point.

Instead, I’ll head to Walgreens sometime this week and shop their gift card aisle. Then, I’ll dump their card in a bag, put it under the tree, and consider my work as a parent done.

You see, while wrappers are sometimes sociopaths, baggers are always psychopaths, and those middle children don’t scare us.